“God, I’m sorry I treat you like an ass.”

I said that a few days ago.

Because I’m a spoiled brat sometimes.

You’ve heard ‘don’t look a gift horse in the mouth’, right? As in, don’t check the teeth of a free horse, because it’s free and who cares if it’s old? Well…what would you do if God personally gift-wrapped said horse, and handed it to you on a silver platter?

Some people would probably be so thrilled, they’d…I don’t know what they’d do. Throw a party or something. Then there’s other people who wouldn’t be content to just inspect the teeth. No, they’d want to inspect the whole damn horse, even going so far as to stick their head down it’s neck, and then have the nerve to complain that it’s too dark.

That would be me.

Like I said, I can be kind of a brat.

My husband just changed jobs.

Things happened at his old company, where he’s been for 11 years, and he decided to look for a new one. A day later, he got a phone call out of the blue, from an HR rep who found his profile on Linkedin (which I totally thought was a crap website), and wanted to know if he was interested in changing jobs. Hello, silver platter. Really long story short, is that he got the job, we know it was from God, and today is his first day.

So any normal person, I assume, would be thrilled with this. In some respects I am. I know this is a tough economy, and there were no jobs available in our area. We had already started the talk of moving out of state, away from everything we’ve ever known. So I am extremely grateful that we don’t have to uproot our kids.

But. It’s been a stressful few weeks.  I’ve been a stress-filled mess for a few weeks. So much anxiety, fear, anger, illogical and irrational emotions and arguments.

If the foundation of following Jesus is trust, why is it so hard? 

Why is it so hard, even when I know it is good and it is coming right from him?   Why am I not this anxious on Christmas Eve, knowing in the morning we’re going to open presents, and what if they are all horrible?

Logically I know it’s because there is an increase in responsibility and accountability, longer hours, a more business-like kind of life.   We’ve left the safety and security of the safe and comfortable (and poor) for the unknown…for the greater possibility of more, whatever more is.  But just as logically, I know that God is in this and hasn’t left us.

I used to think that if I were with the Israelites in the desert, that I totally would have been on Caleb and Joshua’s side. 

Isn’t that what we’re taught in Sunday School? The Israelites were terrible, doubtful people who couldn’t even trust God after they crossed the Red Sea, saw the giant grapes, the milk, the honey.  How could they not trust Him?  And of course we all nodded and smiled, knowing that even at 8 years old, we were so much smarter than those ancient nomads and they totally deserved those 40 years in the desert.  But now I know, I would have been on the side of the grasshoppers. 

I’ve been on their side these past few weeks.  It has been a miserable desert experience.  I know that if I stay in that place of fear and anger, I will turn into a bitter and resentful person, becoming an angry old woman, putting in my 40 years.

I know underneath all of this is fear.  Fear of the future.  Fear of the unknown.  (Which I know is CRAZY because the whole future is unknowable!!!)

I fear because I know that just because something is a gift from God doesn’t mean we won’t screw it up.  I know there are other factors at work.  Satan is out there.  Powers of this world.  Peer pressure.  Our own desires.

I look at this new step we’re taking, and I can’t help but wonder, have we sold our soul to the corporate world?    I know that’s crazy.  But I also know the pressure to keep up that could easily engulf me.  Now that I’m not going to have to live paycheck to paycheck, gathering my manna every morning…will I become complacent with milk and honey, forgetting that it exists to serve others?  Will I indulge in wanting pretty, shiny things, at the expense of beautiful, hungry people?  I feel so inadequately equipped to handle money, responsibility, life.

Sometimes it’s so much easier to curl up into a ball and just sit with the fear.  I kind of think that maybe those initial spies who died of a plague got off easy.  They didn’t have to suffer those hot miserable years of wandering.  And then I wonder, did the people know how close God came to destroying them?  I don’t know that God goes around smiting people anymore, but I do wonder sometimes if God looks at me and thinks ‘how long will she refuse to believe in me, in spite of all the miraculous signs I have performed?‘.

This is why I’m glad I live now, and not then.  I don’t fear that God is going to destroy me for my lack of faith.  This is where theological concepts like grace take on real meaning.  I experience grace when I fear, and yet feel close to God.  I don’t trust, and I’m not shunned.  I am aware of the presence, and provision, even as I am anxious about the consequences of our decision.

I know when I cling to my own emotions, I cause my own desert.  I lead myself in circles, wandering aimlessly, using words carelessly.  And He lets me wander.

But when I stop, reflect, and apologize; when I rest in the moment, consider the new adventure and know we’re not walking it alone; then I feel peace.  The peace that calms my fears, that leads and protects.

I don’t know what the future will look like, but I have faith that it will be even better than our past.